LET ME LEAVE（BDSM） - Chapter 10

I didn’t realize that underneath his elegant and gentlemanly exterior he hid such a bigoted and hot-tempered personality.

He was still under a lot of pressure to lock me up in the villa, his father had waited until he was about to lose his patience and he was still determined not to let go. When he was doubly pressurized, I became the channel for him to vent.

If before, he knew I was sick and had pity on me, now there is no such scruples, his sexuality, his anger are giving me great pain. This pain was not in the pure sense of physical abuse, but in the sense that when he raped me, he did not forget to drag me into it, to make me join the ranks of the rapists, to make me rape myself, not only my own will, but also my own dignity.

No matter how much I cried and begged, he was indifferent, and he saw my struggles as pleasure, watching himself go from resisting at first to catering, from frustrated curses at first to sweet gasps, and of course what he found most amusing was the fact that my doppelganger was bursting out of my body without a caressing preoccupation, just from the stimulation of my posterior, and this was the moment when I felt the most humiliated, and not only was it the pain of his insults to me that made me suffer. It’s also the contempt I feel for myself deep down, the disgust I feel for myself that makes me worse than dead.

I couldn’t believe that he still claimed to be in love with me, and if he could do something so cruel to someone he loved so much, then the depth of his love could be seen. If it was for me to be haunted by such a person for the rest of my life, then I might as well die.

I lost my motivation to live, knowing that my mom was an old acquaintance of He Riyan, he would have taken care of her for my father’s sake, I had no reason to live.

As in many love stories, if one falls in love with one’s enemy, will the end of that love be happy or cruel? I knew that it was impossible for me and Zhongqing to be happy, he couldn’t forget the pain his mother had suffered, and I couldn’t forget the blows he had inflicted on my dignity, so together we could only torment each other. If it’s a person who loves himself who can’t treat himself well, what reason is there to live?

And anyway, when Zhongqing saw me, he would drag me towards the bed, I simply didn’t even get out of bed, so that we wouldn’t have to work hard at that time, even for the three meals I didn’t want to get out of bed, the servants would send the meals up, but now I had lost my appetite, the servants often served the almost untouched plates, in fact, I wasn’t going on a hunger strike but I saw that there was no wish to eat the food at all, even my body didn’t have any hunger, I don’t know if it was because of the movement and the exercise, I didn’t know if it was because of the movement and the hunger, I don’t know ifmovementthe hunger. I don’t know if it’s because I don’t get out of bed to exercise, so I don’t have a need for food.

Of course Zhongqing thought that I was pretending again, so he simply paid no attention to such a situation, even though my weight was plummeting, even though my stamina was far from being as good as it used to be, and even during sex I often lost consciousness, and even my own ejaculation often took place in a stupor.

I could see that his eyes were starting to reveal uneasiness, worry, but just didn’t say anything, even conversations between us were rare now, and apart from sex he wasn’t around me at all, I didn’t know what he was up to and I didn’t care.

During sex, he was getting rougher and rougher, like he was trying to rip me apart. I knew the pressure he was under was not small, He Riyan was pushing him tighter and tighter, and I knew from his conversation with Yun Chang that He Riyan had given him a last call. But he still insisted on confining me here despite the strong opposition from his men.

I can feel my life disappearing little by little, I don’t know how others treat their death, but what I can tell you is that I am now looking forward to its arrival with great joy, the doctor has already diagnosed me with mild anorexia, if I don’t regain my appetite, then I will really have to face death.

When Zhongqing heard the doctor’s conclusion, he was almost about to grab me out of bed and beat me up, “Do you want to die? It’s not that easy. You don’t want to die so easily?” His violent voice actually contained a tremor.

I know you don’t want me to die, not for any other reason, just because you still love me, but you can’t stand the fact that you can be so happy, and you can’t stand the fact that I can be happy as the son of someone who caused you mother and son to live in pain for several decades, so you tormented me by torturing me, and also tormented your father, so that he would feel the pain as well, and if that’s the case, then what reason do I have to? If that’s the case, then what reason do I have to live? Let me transcend your pain, and mine as well.

He now serves all three meals himself, forcing me to finish them, but I always start to vomit before I’ve had two bites, so why bother when I’m suffering from eating and he’s suffering even more from watching? If you let me go, you’ll be relieved, won’t you?

No matter what I eat, in the end, I will be vomited out, even vomited to the end of the gastric juice, and even bile are all vomited out, it is really can not be swallowed. He thought of a lot of ways, such as using a spoon to press the root of my tongue while eating, and even in the end, he used his hand to cover my mouth, but it still did not work, the food gushed out from the esophagus could not find a cathartic tube even flowed into the windpipe almost choked me to death, Zhong Qing finally believed that this time I was not pretending, looking at my body which was now thin and bony because of a long period of time without food, his eyes were full of sadness.

Finally, he still cried, kneeling in front of my bed, holding my hand, “Please, I’m letting you go, really, I’m letting you go, stop it, eat a little, if you don’t eat, you’ll die.”

He was in tears, burying his tear filled face in my hand, “I didn’t really mean to get you killed, just give me a little time, I’ll figure it out, why have you become like this, don’t you leave me.”

I placed my other hand gently on his head, even this was a very strenuous action for me, instead of placing it gently on his head, in the end, it fell on his head because of lack of strength.

He grabbed my hand and looked up at me, tears still kept pouring out of his eyes, I was really heartbroken, but to be honest, I didn’t want this for myself, it’s not that I didn’t give you the time of day, it’s that you’ve always been blinded by hatred, “You …… let …… let me …… meet …… my mom …… okay?” I said brokenly.

“Good, good, you promise me, eat this half bowl of noodles okay?” He nodded his head in a hurry and took the opportunity to make an offer.

Seeing him like this is really like a child, “Well ……” I nodded, even though I know the pain that eating this bowl of noodles will cause me, I still don’t want to disappoint him like this.

As expected, after quickly swallowing it, I still vomited out in a mountain of vomit, my whole body crouching on the bed without even the strength to move.

After I regained consciousness, I realized that I had fainted, the door suddenly opened and a woman rushed in, it was mom.

“Sayu, Sayu, how did you become like this?” Mom cried, it’s been a long time since I’ve seen her, mom has gained a lot more gray hairs, it seems that these nearly half a year have aged her a lot.

“Xiaoyou, don’t scare mom, you mustn’t scare mom.” The anxiety on mom’s face is obvious, it seems that when she came, Zhongqing had already told her about my situation.

“Mom …… you …… pick me …… up and take me home …… I… …I want …… to go home.” Seeing her, the aggression accumulated for a long time all of a sudden gushed out, any person in the face of their loved ones, especially their mother, that the ability to withstand the pain as if it will be reduced, are hoping to lie on the mother’s chest to pour out all the pain.

“Good, mom will take you home.” Mom wiped away her tears with one hand and solemnly promised me.

“No, he can’t leave here.” The voice from the other side was unusually anxious, and it turned out that Zhong Qing had followed him in.

He reached the bed in one stride and grabbed me despite mom’s objections, “You’re not coming home, are you?” He eagerly waited for my answer.

我被他摇得非常难受只来得及转过头去，看着妈妈，「带我……回家……」

然后就又都什么都不知道了。

＊＊＊

这一次，我能感觉得到自己睡了很久，很久都没有睡得这么沉，这么轻松，没有牵挂。

我睁开眼，看到的是熟悉的布景，是自己睡了十几年的房间，终于还是回来了。 Let me die in my own home.

Mom pushed the door and saw that I was awake, she hurriedly sat in front of my bed, “You’re awake?”

Seeing my thin face, mom’s tears still can’t help but flow down, my always strong mom ah, never seen her in front of me to show weakness, now still can’t help it? Does she already know that I’m dying?

By the way, I still don’t know what mom has been through in the past six months.

「Mom, these half a year ……」I asked out with great effort.

“These six months, mom has been in the Qing gang, was picked up by Zhong Qing’s assistant, the one who came to our house that day, he told me that you have accepted his hiring as his what assistant, and also gave me a letter of your resignation, asking me to help you hand it in to the newspaper, that day, didn’t you go with him? So I believed him, and he even sent me specifically to the newspaper office to help you hand in your resignation letter. Then he said something about you waiting for me for dinner, and he wanted to take me there.

When I got there, I realized that I was cheated, but they didn’t let me go out again, they just locked me up there. Poor us orphans and widows, we didn’t even call the police when we disappeared.

After more than four months like this, one day, I ran out of the house, and happened to run into Ho Yat Yan, and realized that I was locked up in the Green Gang, and Chung Ching was his and Yi’s child.

After your father’s death, I avoided them by all means, that is, I didn’t want Ho Yat Yan to disturb our life again, I didn’t expect, how did you mess with his son again?

He Riyan promised me to let his son release you, but after waiting for more than a month, Zhongqing just wouldn’t release you, until yesterday, he suddenly ran to me and told me that you were dying and you wanted to see me.

Why is this so? What kind of sin did our family create? Both you father and son are tortured by them like this. Did they all have to get you killed?”

Mom was sobbing uncontrollably.

“Then …… why …… did Zhongqing let me come back ……” How could Zhongqing let me leave?

“That is He Riyan forced him, he took Zhongqing out, I don’t know what he said, came in and sent someone to send us back.”

Back home, my mood could finally calm down, trying not to think about the things that made me feel humiliated, mom was worried about my appetite every day.

Now I could eat a little bit of food, unlike back then when I threw up whenever I ate, probably because I could never get rid of my death wish there.

It was hard to eat, but every day my mom was so happy just to see that I could eat one more bite that she was in tears, watching her even if it was hard and painful, I had to eat and recover.

And I was soon able to get out of bed and walk around, I could even go downstairs and walk in the garden, in the face of the neighbors’ concern, I could only be vague, only saying that I had a very serious illness, so I was now recuperating at home, and on the topic of disappearance, I could only say that I was in the hospital.

However, facing the many kind neighbors, I couldn’t help but feel depressed, especially those high school students, they even saw me shouting, “Lin Daiyu brother,” to their teasing shouts, I could only laugh bitterly.

Because I had not seen the sun for a long time, my original bronze-colored skin had changed to pale, and my robust body was so terribly thin that I couldn’t even go for a walk for too long, so it was no wonder that these little girls would call me that.

I don’t know why Zhong Qing finally let me go because of his father’s words, and I’m no longer interested in knowing.

I don’t want to get entangled with him over these grudges anymore, I just hope he will give me back my peace, even though I love him in my heart, I can’t stay by his side, because along with the love are the shame, the pain, that I can’t always get rid of. If he still wants me to live, don’t come to my side again, so that I can gradually forget him, forget everything that happened in these six months.

I believe that in such a familiar and relaxing environment, I can get rid of the nightmare brought to me by Zhongqing, and if it’s possible in the future, my mom and I will leave this place and start anew. Even if I can’t have a family for the rest of my life, I can still live in peace.

Epilogue

Even though it has been three years since that incident, I still wake up from nightmares from time to time. I knew that Zhongqing had given me too much of a blow, so I could never let go of it.

During these three years, I didn’t read the entertainment section of the newspaper; I didn’t watch the entertainment news on TV; I didn’t watch movies, just because I didn’t want to have the chance to see Zhongqing again, no matter it was subjective, or objective reasons, I didn’t want to. Even the job I also gave up the reporter industry, but chose a job that does not need to contact too many people – the warehouse keeper of Lianhua freight, although the salary is not high, but enough to support me and my mom, the main thing is that this job will not bring me back to that experience.

When I think about it, I don’t even understand myself, why in the end I fell in love with him, was it because of the gentleness he showed without realizing it, or was it the touching way he showed his love to me in the midst of all the hate he was feeling? I do not know. However, the only thing I understand is that I not only love him, but also afraid of him, in addition to these two kinds of emotions in addition to another kind of feeling that is hate, afraid of do not know when he will appear in front of me again, do not know what reason to hurt me; and hate is to hate him why he can be so kind of hurt me, and then can justify to me that love me? Why did he let me fall in love with him? Hate him why in the name of love to do those degrading things make me can not really hate him?

All these feelings are intertwined together, so that I can not sleep at night, so in the company I work hard, do not allow myself to have a rest down time, only physical fatigue to the extreme, can sleep for a few hours.

But even though I have been so evasive, but also know his news, in the streets of the big screen TV, from the little girl beside me talking about …… Zhongqing lost a lot of weight, he made a comeback, and did not take a vacation, his daily schedule is full, the intensity of the work of the big even the reporter is smashing the tongue, especially those who rely on him to eat the dog The paparazzi, even they feel hard, do not understand why he will be so desperate?

I don’t want to know about Zhongqing, I always believe that as long as there is time to wash, anything will fade, any traces of injury will disappear, and love will be annihilated, so I try my best to contribute to the outcome of this happening.

I don’t know exactly how effective these three years have been. But it seems to be more or less a little bit of success, I can now look at the commercials he acted without thinking about it, can not think about seeing him in the reading version of the heart will not tremble.

Whenever I get off work, I pass by a TV supply store, they have a few TVs in the window, and they play entertainment channel programs every day. I used to run by quickly, but now I can walk by slowly.

“Yo, wait for me. I’m going to buy some supplies.” My coworker Liu Dong patted my shoulder and turned around to enter the store, I stood in the doorway and looked out at the people coming and going on the street.

“…… ”

“…… don’t have any plans, I’ve already taken on three movies, all of which were killed at the end of the year.” A familiar voice gradually reached my ears.

“Mr. Zhongqing, I’m a reporter from Entertainment Weekly, what I want to ask is: why do you take on movies so frequently, even a little bit disregarding your health, there are rumors that you’re burdened with huge gambling debts, and there are also rumors that you’re doing it because you’re getting married, and are preparing to make more money before you get married, in the face of all these doubts do you have anything you’d like to clear up for the majority of movie fans? Can you say a little bit about the reason for doing so?”

“…… I, for one, would like to say that it is neither because of any gambling debts nor because I want to get married, but I want someone to have the opportunity to see me every now and then, even if I am not by his side. I don’t want him to forget me.” His voice was very low.

I didn’t dare to turn around, I didn’t dare to look at Zhong Qing’s expression, how could he say that, did he consider my feelings or not, my feet went weak, I wanted to walk away, but the surrounding area was already crowded with female students who had just gotten out of class, as soon as they heard these words, they immediately let out a burst of “Huh?” sound of surprise.

I don’t know if it was Zhong Qing’s sudden frankness that made the media momentarily at a loss for words, but for a while, there was little sound coming out of the TV, and then it suddenly started to get noisy.

“…… May I ask what this person is?”

“May I ask if this person you are talking about is your lover?……”

“……”

“He’s the only person I’ve ever loved in my life, but I hurt him ……” he said with a choked voice, “I wanted to ask for his forgiveness, but I knew he’d never forgive againI, I love him, I really love him, but why did I do this to him …… I regret it ……”

My tears came out of my eyes, “Why won’t you let me go even now? What do you take me for? A pet that you coax when you’re happy and kick when you’re not? Now that you regret, you want my forgiveness? You realize you still love me, so you want me to look at you forever? I also have self-respect, I don’t need to kneel down and beg for your love and pity!

“…… Mr. Chung, you said she won’t forgive you, why don’t you make an appeal on TV and ask for support from the fans?By the way, tell the story of your relationship through TV ……”

“…… I don’t dare to hope that I can get his forgiveness, I’m just working hard now, trying to get my footage every day, and just to have a shadow appear in front of him every day……”

I couldn’t listen any longer and broke away from the people around me and ran, the way I looked was sure to make people wonder, a big man with tears streaming down his face.

Does he know how hard he will make me feel when he does this, does he know that he will make me never forget …… He won’t know, he doesn’t know anything. From the beginning he will hate, imposed on me, and then even love is also regardless of my feelings of self-care to confess, and I am the most damned is to such a person will actually produce feelings?

With the tears running down, slowly I think I began to let go, and even savor another feeling, there is a hint of joy in the heart swirling, the original in the pain I feel, you are also so sad ah, that I have suffered these finally have a price.

You want to beg for my forgiveness? I won’t forgive you, won’t forgive you for insulting me like that, won’t forgive you for saying you love me, but hurting me like that?

Let us go on like this, and let the hurt you have given me be punished by the fact that you will never have me! That’s the only revenge I can make against you, at the cost of my love!

How can you let me forgive you so easily!

WEN/RED OCTOBER

on

The warehouse was as busy as ever, the porters were busy unloading from their cars, and my desk was crowded with drivers waiting to get into the warehouse.

“Come on, come on.” No matter how busy you are, no matter whether you want to have two pairs of hands to step up to do, there are always people who are not fast enough, desperately urging.

“Don’t worry, don’t worry, I’m almost done.” I responded, but I didn’t dare to slow down at all. I called up the shipping list from the computer, confirmed the receipt in my hand, stamped it, put it in the warehouse, and then repeated this process again and again. Every day, every day, I have to do such a completely mindless work, although simple, but gives me peace of mind.

When busy with this set of times, it is already more than 5:00 p.m., according to the regulations, the warehouse is 4:30 to stop entering the warehouse, so the desk finishing, today’s work can almost end. I stretched a long lazy waist, long time shrinking in front of the computer, my people are about to be deformed as if, waist completely straight up.

“Xiao Yao, there’s someone outside the door looking for me!” Liu Dong yelled at the door, according to the regulations of the warehouse is not allowed to outsiders randomly in and out, so, generally come to look for people can only wait outside the pass. I am a little strange, every day to find people are not Liu Dong’s girlfriend? That’s why he went straight to the door and waited as soon as it was time.

Could it be that mom is here? I don’t think so, she has never come to the company to look for me.

I looked towards the door in confusion, I didn’t see a single acquaintance ah? I was about to ask Liu Dong, a middle-aged man stood in front of me, a little familiar, but I remember as if I do not know this person ah. “You? You are?” I guess he’s here to see me.

“I’m He Riyan!”

My eyes widened, “What do you want from me?” I opened my mouth defensively, I was really afraid that he was going to grab me to Zhong Qing’s side again, my hand unconsciously gripped the iron door behind me.

“We haven’t met before, no wonder you don’t recognize me. I’ve seen you before, only, you were already unconscious at that time,” he paused. “I know it’s Zhongqing who’s sorry for you, but ……” He didn’t go on, because my eyes were already clearly showing pain.

“I don’t want to hear this.” I struggled to speak, “If you can, please don’t come back to me, I don’t want to see him or hear about him.” After saying that, I headed for the warehouse.

「Yo, yo……」his call followed closely making me feel like I couldn’t get rid of it, I stepped up my pace and ran fast, the workers around me saw me like this and thought something had happened, they all gathered around.

“What’s wrong? What’s wrong? What kind of people are they? Are they looking for trouble?” Although they are not very educated and do some manual labor, but they are full of human feelings and have the enthusiasm of a red-blooded person, I like them, so, I will also accept their good intentions, except that this time, they can’t help.

“It’s nothing!” I shook my head and forced a smile.

While everyone was making preparations to leave work, I ducked into the restroom and held myself together for over an hour, unable to hold myself together any longer, I sat down on the toilet and crouched on my own hands and cried silently.

It’s been three years, it’s been three years, why can’t I get rid of this nightmare? Why is it that I can’t help but tremble at the sight of someone related to him? I hate him, hate him! But why do I love him? How long does God want to torture me? Whether you love someone or hate someone, just one feeling is enough, why do you make me suffer both at the same time? Is three years not enough time?

The door to the restroom opened again, and Liu Dong’s voice sounded outside, “Xiao You? What’s wrong with you? Is your stomach not feeling well?”

I forced myself to hold back, trying my best to calm myself down, trying to make a normal sound, “Nothing, maybe I ate bad at noon.”

“We’re going to sing karaoke together, you come too, we’ll wait for you!”

“No, no, you guys have fun, I promised my mom I’d go home early today.”

“Then we’ll leave first.” The sound of the door closing made me relax.

Wiping away the tears on my face, I told myself, it’s already over, Zhong Qing has paid for all the humiliation he brought me, even if it was with extreme irony, as long as I can make him feel bad, I will feel better in my heart, even if I have to use my own feelings as a sacrifice, what’s wrong with that?

Walking out from the cubicle, I saw the man with red and swollen eyes in the mirror, really useless, I smiled bitterly. I cupped water in my hands and pounced on my face, washing my face to hide the traces of tears.

When I said goodbye to the security guard and walked out of the building, there were not many people outside, because this is an industrial area, the closing time is about the same, it takes 15 minutes to walk to the bus stop.

When I turned a corner and was about to see the bus stop sign, there were two people in black suits in front of me, I immediately reacted that they were He Riyan’s men, before they touched me, my first reaction was to turn around and run, I don’t understand why He Riyan came looking for me after three years, but I didn’t want to get involved with them again was my instinctive reaction.

But long-distance running is not my strong point, before I could run 100 meters, they caught up with me, I don’t know whether they understand why He Riyan is looking for me or not, but their unrelenting pursuit made me tremble with fear. I struggled silently with all my might, and their combined efforts almost failed to catch me, one of them smacked his lips and punched me in the small of the back.

In an instant, I was knocked down by the sharp pain, my sanity was between conscious and semi-conscious, my organs were turning over, my arms and legs were completely insensible, I just wanted to vomit a few times in my throat.

I was carried by them to the sedan on the street, and I could hear He Riyan loudly reprimanding the two henchmen, chastising them for the violence they had used against me, though their defense that it was because of my resistance did not offset He Riyan’s anger.

Why is this necessary, didn’t they have your authorization? I thought vaguely. All my physiological clocks that counted time had stopped moving, and when I finally snapped out of that daze, I saw He Riyan watching me with a worried look on his face.

I forced myself to sit up and whispered as if giving up, “Well, Mr. Ho, what did you want to see me about?” If you can’t resist a certain situation, then you have to learn to accept it.

“I’m sorry my two men got the wrong idea about what I meant.” He spoke with an embarrassed look, “I’m not here to see you this time as the leader of the Green Gang, simply as a father, I want to beg you, go and see Chung Ching!”

I didn’t say anything, I didn’t even raise my eyelids, just staring flatly ahead.

“Xiaoyu, Zhongqing is no longer human now, go and meet him. Okay? I know only you can save him!” Seeing He Riyan’s eagerness, I could see that he was also a father and not a gangster, but what did that have to do with me?

I knew he was waiting for my reaction, but what could I do? I didn’t show my happiness and already gave face to He Riyan, what else can I do if his son treats me like that? In the end, he fell in love with me can only say that it was his retribution, I did not impose a palm and a finger on him, is not it? Do not a person make a mistake do not pay the price? Even if I love him, so what? I have to be punished myself for falling in love with him.

“Xiao Yao!” He Riyan’s voice began to breathe a pallor.

“Please call me Li Yunyu, we’re not familiar, Mr. He!” I threw out coldly.

“Okay, Li Yunyu, since your father and I are still quite familiar with each other, can’t you listen to an old man like me?”

“Shut up, don’t mention my dad in front of me, can you stand up to my dad? If it wasn’t for you, would my dad have died so early?” I got agitated for a moment and my eyes turned red.

“Yes, I am sorry for your dad, but there are some things you don’t know.” He spoke with bitterness.

“Don’t talk about my dad anymore, I don’t want to hear about it, is there anything else you want to do? If there’s nothing else, I’m going to go, and I’d like you to leave me alone.” I tried to get out of the car as soon as I lifted the lock.

He pressed my hand and looked at me sadly, “It was a tragedy between me and your dad, I didn’t expect it to develop into a tragedy between you and Zhongqing still. Even if you hate Zhongqing, don’t you want to know Zhongqing’s current situation? He is almost dead!”

What? His words turned over like a river in my heart, and I couldn’t help but let go of my hand.

He Riyan also loosened his hand, ”He now takes on any drama, dares to go out on any mission, and he even wants to meddle in the affairs of the organization, however, I have completely stripped him of his position in the organization, but he desperately takes on dramas, as if he were a candle burning at both ends, and can’t wait for it to be burned out. Since the beginning of the year, he hasn’t used a stunt double, and he’s been doing all the dangerous scenes himself, which the director can’t persuade him to do. In the last scene, he broke two ribs because he fell down from a building, but he acted as if nothing happened, and went to fly a car again, if it wasn’t for Yun Chang secretly telling me, I really didn’t know what he was trying to do.” He Riyan’s voice was slightly choked, “Is he just like me, falling in love with someone he shouldn’t have?”

“Yesterday, when he was flying, he was thrown down by a car, and his broken ribs penetrated into his left lung, he was already dying in the middle of the night, but his mouth was still shouting your name, Xiaoyu, please take pity on me and go to see him. How can you bear to let an old man send off his father in vain?”

My tears had long filled my eyes, I couldn’t carry them any longer, they fell one by one, I buried my face in my hands, when I heard that you were in pain, I had a trace of joy, but when I heard that you were going to die, why was I so sad? Zhongqing, Zhongqing, how long are you going to torture me?

“Child, I believe you still care a little about Zhongqing, can’t you give you two a little more chance?” He Riyan patted the top of my head.

I hatefully raised my tearful eyes and yelled at him, “I care about him, but did he care about me at that time? What did he think of me? Did he ever respect me? He’s better off dead, he’s better off dead ……” I pushed the car door hard and got out of the car and ran away.

Running alone in the silent streets, it seems that the only way to stop my heartache is to run to the point where it is difficult to breathe and my lungs have to be torn apart, when running to the point where my whole body is weak, I still can’t help but want to continue, when my hands and feet are almost unable to step forward and still want to continue, trying to think of every possible way to stop my heartache, the 3.5 kilometers of the road I have been running, when I ran down to the apartment building, I had no more strength. I sat paralyzed on the steps of the apartment door, looking at the elevator as close as possible, but I no longer have the strength to climb in.

The doorkeeper Liu Bo TV sound on loud, even outside the glass door can be heard very clearly, inside is broadcasting the news.

“…… According to the hospital reliable information, yesterday because of the flying car injured film and television star Zhong Qing has been transferred to the intensive care unit this morning, is not out of danger, Zhong Qing belongs to the economic company did not issue any affirmation on this matter and refused to all the media’s visit, the specifics are not known, until 4 o’clock this afternoon, in the Until 4 o’clock this afternoon, at the entrance of St. Mary’s Hospital, thousands of movie fans from all over the country have gathered, and they all stood at the entrance of the hospital silently praying for their idols.Our reporter XXX reports from ……”

It’s true, it’s true, he’s dying? He’s dying? I struggled to get up and rushed into the building to pounce on Uncle Liu’s desk, but the news on the TV had already relayed the news of the fact.

Newspaper, where’s the newspaper? Newspapers should have published it too! I rummaged around on the table.

“Mr. Lee, Mr. Lee, what are you looking for? I don’t have anything for you here!” Uncle Liu tried to stop me anxiously.

“Newspaper, newspaper, today’s newspaper!” I got anxious and yelled at him.

“Okay, okay, okay, here’s the paper, here it is.” He took it out of the drawer, but I snatched it away.

I flipped to the entertainment section, and saw the report that took up the whole page. “Movie star in danger on set, life in danger!” My legs went weak and I sat down on the floor.

Uncle Liu turned out from inside, held me up and brought me to the chair next to him, “What’s wrong with you? Mr. Li, what happened?”

I stared closely at the newspaper, which carried a picture of him being carried to the ambulance, his expression was agonizing, and the corner of his mouth was still overflowing with blood. It hurts, doesn’t it? Chung Ching, are you really dying?

Are you seeking relief? How can you be so selfish? If you seek relief and leave me alone in this world to suffer, if you want to die like this, I will never forgive you, I will never forgive you!

I don’t know when my mom had already stood beside me, gently pulling away the newspaper from my hand that I had distorted by pulling it out, and softly said to me, “Xiao You, let’s go up!”

I looked at my mom stupidly, as if I didn’t recognize the person who gave birth to me and raised me, my eyes staring blankly.

“Xiaoyou, let’s go home!” Mom said it again, and only then did I come to my senses.

“Okay, let’s go home!” Mechanically, I repeated this sentence after my mom, my actions completely disobedient to my own commands.

When I finally sat down on the sofa, I couldn’t hold back my bawling, “How could you die? How can you die?……”

Mom gently patted my back, “Son, do you care about him that much?”

“I don’t know, mom, I don’t know, I hate him, but I don’t want him to die, mom!” I fell into my mom’s lap, tears pouring wildly.

“I know, I know!” Mom’s voice was filled with bitterness and tolerance.

“He hasn’t been punished enough, he hasn’t suffered what I’ve suffered, how can he be so irresponsible? How could he leave me behind?”

“Yoyo, listen to me!” Mom hugged me tightly, “He tortured you so much, wouldn’t it be better if he died? What? Wouldn’t he be better off dead? Yoyo!”

“I don’t want him to die, Mom. I love him! But I can’t go back to him either. Mom, what should I do? Mom! It’s so hard for me!” I shrank in my mom’s embrace, trying to find out the answer.

“Oh, what a shame!” Mom’s sigh of relief was hitting me hard.

I struggled to sit up, shaking my head as I said, “I don’t want him, I don’t want him, don’t think about it, don’t think about it!” I stood up and tried to walk to my room, but before I could get to the door of my room, darkness struck me down in a flash.

Down

When I woke up, I was already lying in my own bed, how could mom have so much strength?

「Mom,」 I turned my head while calling softly, but I didn’t expect to see He Riyan sitting on the edge of the bed, he was looking at me with a worried face.

I hurriedly climbed up to sit and lean against the bed, “Why are you here?” My voice was dark and hoarse.

“I was a little worried about you, that’s why I came here.” He tried to help me but I refused.

“You’d better worry about your son.” Fighting back the heartache but forcing himself to speak.

“He has something for you, and you ran away just before I could give it to you.” He said as he pulled out a DV camera to hand it to me.

I didn’t take it and just stared at the DV in his hand.

He sighed and turned the DV player on himself, handing the screen to my eyes.

I had a very ominous feeling, very bad, not by any means I hugged my legs and my eyes were closed tightly, as if this could block all misfortunes from coming.

With my eyes closed, I could choose not to see, but Zhong Qing’s voice was pervasive, my heart clenched into a ball, and I couldn’t even open my mouth to stop He Riyan.

“Xiao Yao, I know you don’t want to see me anymore, so I don’t dare to arbitrarily appear in front of you anymore, but for me, how much torture is this? Since I was a child, I only know one thing, what I like, I must get my hands on, but, just a few months of confinement has nearly killed you, to you, I dare not use coercive means, when I see you lying in front of me without any anger, when I how to feed you can’t help but vomit, my heart hurts so much, you’re just like this, you’ve given up the desire to live, you make me feel powerless, how can I fight with the death god? How can I fight with death? Watching you get weaker and weaker day by day, watching you leave me day by day, I was so scared, I was worried that I would never be able to breathe the same air as you again, that I would never see you alive again. I have never been so frustrated, to you I simply do not know what to do, the contradictory mood has always made me to you erratic, perhaps because of this, I still lost you. Why do you always have to wait until the irreparable time to think of regret? If there is a medicine for regret in the world, I would rather use ten years, twenty years, or even thirty years of my life to exchange for it. Xiaoyu, if we can start over again, will you fall in love with me? Would you stay with me? XiaoYu, XiaoYu ……” the voice is getting smaller and smaller, smaller and smaller, until it completely disappears, I finally slowly open my eyes, but the tears because of the loss of cover also flowed down.

He sat on the sofa, his hands over his face, and only after a long time did he raise his head again, facing the camera, his eyes red and swollen, his voice trembling, “Is my existence still a torture for you? Do you still feel scared when you see me? Xiaoyu, don’t be afraid, the torture will soon be over, and the pain I brought you will soon be forgotten, take care!”

The screen turned into a snowflake, Zhong Qing’s last words as if he was saying goodbye made me lose control, I grabbed the DV, raised my hand high and wanted to smash it into pieces, but in the end I couldn’t help but throw it on the soft bed, “What do you mean? What do you mean? There is no such thing as a cheap thing? Zhongqing, I still don’t think it’s enough, don’t you dare give up and try.”

I fell off the bed with a roll and grabbed He Riyan, “Take me there, take me there, I want to find him, he can’t die like this, what will I do if he dies?”

It was already three in the morning when we entered the heavily secured intensive care unit, avoiding the media outside the hospital. Through the glass, I saw him lying weakly on the bed, and the only sign of life was the machine that was ticking away. I changed into an antimicrobial gown to the strange looks of the nurses, and when I walked over to the bed, I couldn’t believe my eyes.

It was the first time I’d seen him this close in over three years, and he’d lost a lot of weight, his cheekbones so high that his skin was sunken in. Under his eye sockets were thick dark circles, how long had it been since he’d gotten a good night’s rest? Huh? Why is his face blurred, is there something wrong with my eyes? I lifted my fingers and wiped my eyes, smearing my hands full of tears.

I slowly sat down on the chair next to him, cupped his feeble hand and placed it on my cheek, murmuring, “Zhongqing, do you want to run away? Do you want to leave me behind and relieve yourself alone? You can’t be this irresponsible, you know? You can’t do this to me.”

How long has it been since I took a good look at him, his eyebrows, his eyes, his nose, but his face was almost completely blocked by the oxygen mask, I couldn’t touch his lips ah.

I could only stop my hand at the corner of his hair, “Zhongqing, wake up, I’ll tell you a secret when you wake up, okay? A secret that I plan to keep for the rest of my life. Wake up, will you? I beg you, Zhongqing.”

“Was our meeting destined to be a tragedy? I haven’t forgiven you for what you did to me for your mom. How can you just walk away? You say you love me, but is this what you mean by love? Can I not? No! You have to live, only by living can I make you suffer, can I punish you, do you understand, this is what you owe me, you have to pay back with your whole life, do you know?”

The memories of three years ago gradually came to my mind, I poured out my words in his ear, both accusing him of his ruthless tactics and recalling the sweet interactions between us. Even his cruelty still makes me tremble, but when I think of his tenderness and thoughtfulness it makes me feel happy, this is how he brings me the dual feelings of both hell and heaven.

“…… If you wake up, I will forgive you, OK? I’ve already made the biggest concession, but you won’t even agree? Then as long as you wake up, I will also tell you a secret, so it’s okay, right?” My voice was hoarse from the long hours of restrained crying.

“What am I going to do with you? I can’t forget you, and I can’t go back to you, what do you want me to do? Do you know that it’s hard for me, it’s really hard for me! ……” buried his face in his cold hands, hoping to warm him.

I don’t know if it’s just me, but my face is being rubbed by my fingers. My whole body stiffened, waiting for more confirmation.

It’s true, it’s true, his fingers are moving, I’m ecstatic, staring intently at Zhong Qing’s face.

I even stopped breathing for fear that I would blow away this uncertain hope. Zhong Qing finally opened his eyes slightly after a few efforts, and my tears filled my eyes once again, falling one by one onto his hands.

His mouth is saying something, I can not hear, I gently removed the oxygen mask. “…… I, I heard it, Xiaoyu, you said, you will forgive me …… isn’t it? ……” He took all his breath to squeeze out these words in a sharp gasp, his voice was so low that I had to stay close to his mouth to hear it.

I kept nodding my head as I cried and laughed, “Uh, yes, yes, I promise, I promise.”

“…… Then, then you can’t keep your word …… you, you stop hiding from me …… XiaoYu …… you stop hiding from me! I’m not going to be able to do that! ……” His eyes showed a strong hope, as if the fire of life was waiting for the last spark.

How can I strike him at this time, both intolerant and reluctant, “Okay, I will always be by your side, don’t give up, okay?” I kissed the back of his hand.

“…… Good, I also promise you ……” The last voice disappeared, as if all his breath was exhausted and he let go of all his burdens, his eyelids gradually closed.

“Zhongqing, Zhongqing, what’s wrong with you?”I screamed furiously, “Doctor, doctor, come quickly, doctor ……”

I was quickly pushed outside by the swarming doctors and nurses, and through the glass, I looked at the busy mess inside. If this is how you still want to give up, I will never forgive you!

When the busyness inside returned to calm, He Riyan nervously asked the doctor who stepped out from inside, “Doctor, how is he?”

“He’s past the danger stage, another 24 hours of observation and he can be transferred to the general ward.”

“Then why did he faint again just after he woke up?”

“He fell asleep this time, he’ll be fine.” The doctor patted his shoulder comfortingly and went back to his office. (PS, if there is any medical problem here, please don’t come to ask me, I don’t know, Khan ~~~~~~~, I know this is very irresponsible, but everyone just read it!(Escape ……)

My whole body’s tense muscles finally relaxed, leaning against the wall and sliding down, mom grabbed over to hold on, “Xiao Yao, what’s wrong? Come on, sit over here for a while!”

“I’ve finally come back to life!” I cried and laughed at the same time, “Mom, he’s alive.”

“Yes, yes, he’s fine now. Yoyo, you’ve been tired all day, go back and rest, okay?” Mom worriedly took me in her arms.

“I nodded my head, “Yes, he’s fine, and I can rest assured.

It’s been more than half a month since I came back from the hospital, I didn’t visit Zhongqing in the hospital again, although I promised to forgive him, but I didn’t promise to start over with him, I can’t face him yet. I don’t know if this is considered avoidance, I know I’m an ostrich, but I can’t find an answer.

I went back to work at the warehouse and resumed my old life, the only difference was that I watched the entertainment news in the newspaper every day, and I felt relieved every day to see that he was recovering his health. That’s how life is, but through all the ups and downs, it always goes on.

Of course, I expected him to show up, so when I saw his pale face on the way home one day, I didn’t look surprised. Just turned and walked toward the small park below my apartment, knowing he would follow.

We sat down on the swings and didn’t speak for a long time, just listened to the sound of the swings swinging.

“When I passed out, if you hadn’t talked to me, maybe I would have actually gone, I could see the bright light appearing before me, was that hell?” His voice was low and wheezing, it was a lung injury ah.

“Xiao Yao, you didn’t come to see me for so many days, if it wasn’t for Dad’s repeated assurances to me, I would have almost thought that what I saw and heard that day was an illusion. In fact, to this day, I still can’t believe that you’ve really forgiven me, come and pinch me, I’m really not dreaming!” His childlike appearance made me laugh.

I reached out and pinched him hard on his face, straight to the point where tears welled up in his eyes, “It hurts!” He looked at me pitifully.

I gave him a blank look, clapped my hands and continued swinging.

“It’s not a dream, it’s really not a dream.” The kind of happiness contained in his tone even overflowed into my heart, making me feel warm and fuzzy.

“I’ve been a fool, haven’t I? But we can still make it right, can’t we?” He slowly squatted in front of me, grabbing the handrail of my swing and looking up at me.

I shook my head, then shook it again, “I don’t know, I don’t know.”

He was so anxious that his breathing immediately became ragged and he even started coughing, his face reddening.

I patted his back worriedly.

He grabbed my hand, “Why don’t you give me another chance, I won’t hurt you again, I’d rather hurt myself than hurt you again, don’t you believe me?”

I believe it, I believe you will never hurt me again. But what about the pain I suffered in the past, “I’m not willing, Zhongqing, I’m not willing, it’s fine for you to say that I’m petty, it’s fine for you to say that I’m not a man, but have you ever thought about me, you treated me like that, I’ve already done my best to forgive you. What kind of position do you want me to take with you again?” I was a little angry and bitter, both for him and for my hesitant self, and God knows how much self-control I used to say those words.

“If I’m not mistaken, you …… actually do,” his eyes were so deep that I fell into them at once. “You do care about me, or you wouldn’t have come to my rescue at all. Right? …… I actually remember you saying you were going to tell me a secret, don’t tell me I’m imagining things, I know it’s important, it’s important to me.” He looked at me eagerly.

I blushed and still didn’t know how to speak, he was simply ecstatic to see me like this, “Nah, nah, blush, don’t let me guess, is it that you love me? Huh? Do you love me? Sayo, please, just tell me, okay? Don’t torture me anymore, okay?”

His self-satisfied and expectant look was really bad, I couldn’t help but to hit him again, “Yes, yes, but so what? It doesn’t mean anything.”

His expression seemed to have fallen from heaven to hell in an instant, and he turned to me with a bitter face, “Why?I’ve already been through so much, why are you still ……”

I was furious for a moment, “Don’t use an acting expression on me, I don’t eat that!”

He became embarrassed all of a sudden and scratched his head, “Even though you’re merely responding to my question, the fact that I know you love me already makes me feel the greatest happiness, we’ve been torturing each other for the past three years, so it should be enough for such a long period of time, why can’t we just live happily ever after? We can spend the next few decades to make up for these hurts, you believe me, I would rather hurt myself than hurt you again.”

“How do you live happily ever after, you’re a quality idol.” I was a little embarrassed and tried to turn my head away, but he cupped my cheek and a soft, gentle kiss covered my lips. “I only want to be your idol!” The words were completely overshadowed by the interaction of their lips and tongues.

The sound of Kacha pressing the shutter startled me, and I reflexively gave him a hard push, almost pushing him to the ground, but he only laughed and stood up, holding me hard in his arms, “What are you afraid of, I can’t wait for the whole world to know about it.” As expected, his boldness caused the surrounding paparazzi to swarm up as well, taking a series of shots with abandon.

I didn’t even dare to lift my head from his arms, and could only rely on my ears to listen to the surrounding movements.

“Mr. Chung Ching, is this gentleman your legendary intimate lover? Is he the lover you once said three years ago that you wanted to appear on the screen every day for him to see?” Why does this person’s voice sound so familiar?

I quietly raised my eyes, oh my god, Entertainment Weekly’s Xiao Ji, how come he’s still a puppy after a few years of doing this? He also glanced at me with his mouth wide open in amazement. “Ah, it’s you! Li Yunyu!”

In an instant, I was blinded by the fluorescent lights around me, and I couldn’t see anything in front of me in a white light. I believe tomorrow’s newspaper will be filled with the stupid image of me with my mouth wide open and a face of amazement.

I broke away from Chung Ching’s embrace, fought my way out of the circle and fled home. As for what the news is going to report let it go, I couldn’t care less.

I hid at home, didn’t go to work, didn’t turn on the TV, didn’t read the newspaper, as if I could escape from everything, what would the newspaper say about me, how would the TV describe me? How would my former friends, colleagues and bosses see me? I don’t know, the only reaction is that I don’t want to know anything.

The home phone had been disconnected to the point where the line had to be unplugged, the doorbell rang on average once every five minutes, and Mom had to deny them interviews through the door or there was no guarantee that they wouldn’t break in.

Gee, I don’t know when the noise outside the door disappeared all of a sudden, and no reporter called even when mom tried to plug the phone line in.

She walked in and sat next to me and looked at me. “Xiao You, mom knows that you actually care about Zhong Qing, you can even say that you are in love with him. Of course, as a mother, who does not want to see their son is a homosexual, but as a mother even more do not want to see their own children into the pain can not be extricated, in fact, over the past three years, your heart left behind in what place you can still find yourself? I don’t want a child who is like a zombie. How long has it been since you laughed? How long has it been since you went out with your friends? You don’t even have a decent friend now. Look at how thin you are! Xiaoyu, what are you afraid of? If you really love Zhongqing, you should trust him, can’t this incident give you some confidence?”

I shook my head, “He is a public figure, a movie star, there is no result between us.” I sighed.

Mom loses her smile, “Is that why you did it?” She stood up and carried a stack of newspaper clippings from the living room and piled them in front of me. “Read it and think for yourself.”

I casually flipped through them, they were all the entertainment headlines of the past few days, and they were full of interviews with Zhong Qing.

He talked about pretty much everything about us in the interview, but of course those unpleasant scenes were avoided. His deep love, his confession to the reporter are touched, so that the reporter in the text can not help but specially note, I hope that Zhong Qing can finally get happy.

I don’t know if it’s vanity, but for reports with similar content, I read every single one of them carefully, savoring the two loves that never existed before.

Mom pushed the door in, “Yo, come out for a minute.”

On the TV in the living room was a live broadcast of Zhong Qing’s press conference.

“Good afternoon, friends of the media, today is the farewell press conference of our artist Chung Ching, now I would like to invite Mr. Chung Ching to make a speech first, and at the end, there will be a time for questions from friends of the media.”

“Good afternoon, everyone in the media, I am Chung Ching, and I have only one purpose for today’s press conference, that is, I want to say goodbye to the movie industry and never be a public figure again. Three years ago, I did a lot of wrong things that I almost regretted for the rest of my life, and I thought that I would never be able to get his forgiveness in my life. Therefore, I worked desperately to get a movie, and I worked desperately to forget that heartbreaking pain, and I also hope that he won’t forget about me. If it wasn’t for this accident, I believe our relationship would have remained stagnant like this, so, to be honest, I am truly thankful to the heavens for arranging this ghostly journey for me, allowing me to be injured to just the right extent, both to redeem the love of my life, and to enable me to live to love him.” I couldn’t help hearing this, but there were clearly still tears in my eyes.

“Although he hasn’t agreed to be with me yet, I’m lucky to have his forgiveness, and now being a public figure is going to affect him, so I have to give up this identity, I have to become an ordinary person, I want to catch this happiness, I can’t lose him.”

The next reporter’s question was thrown into a chaos, the scene was almost out of control, but was eventually calmed down by Zhong Qing.

“I’m a reporter from Entertainment Weekly, I actually know that your lover is a male, is that the reason why you quit the movie industry?”

“Nowadays, an ordinary person engaging in a homosexual affair is already highly criticized, let alone an entertainer, I don’t want my status to hurt him, so I make this decision. I can’t put any more barriers between me and him, he’s a shy person and I don’t want to lose him because of factors that aren’t in my control.”

“But don’t you think it’s selfish of you? So many fans love you, you belong to the public, you’re the idol of many people, you’re giving up so much expectation because of one person, do you think it’s appropriate?”

“He alone is all I have, I don’t need so many expectations, as long as he alone has expectations for me, I’m satisfied, besides, the so-called idol is just an ideal character that everyone fantasizes about, if I leave, there will be many others who can take my place, but if I lose him, I’ll lose my courage to live, so can you still say that I’m selfish?”

“He used to be an entertainment reporter. Were you already in love then? Why didn’t he attend the press conference today, after all, with the way you behaved today, it was actually more like a confession of love. Didn’t you ever think of letting him come to hear it as well?”

“I hope you guys won’t bother him, he’s an outsider and has long since left the journalism profession. You have to understand the mindset of a man who wants to protect his beloved, it’s everyone’s instinct, if he agrees, of course I would like to appear in front of you all with him, but I’m worried that he will be scared away by you, then who should I find to compensate my beloved?” It seems like a joke but it’s not funny at all.

I don’t need to listen to the rest, all I need to do is go back to my room and wait for a fool to come and take away the love of his life.

Many years later, whenever we think of this past, I will not have the good taste to complain, he is so cunning, let me forgive him so easily.

He always pleasingly came to me, said at my disposal, I can spend a lifetime of slavery to him, he did cattle and horses without complaint, this has been the best punishment!

[This book is downloaded from TXT Novel House, for more good books, please visit txt456.cn]